This is me quite...honestly

Panjang ceritanya...

2006-04-13T15:45:00.000+08:00

in my last post, i promised to post some pics from my Yogjakarta's trip in March tapi entah macammana ada pulak issue lain yang timbul when i arrived home.

apparently 2 of my sis found out about the blog and of course made a big issues about the way i'm handling things.. even received a letter from one of them .... so untuk tak memeningkan kepala .. i decided to take break for a while

and hence the temporarily halt at the blog..

but I AM BACK!!

first things first - social circle is revived. going to more social events now. made new friends (while still loving the old ones)

and striked lottery :) :) consolation price la... but who on earth would give me money .. rite? so this is rahmat from the One up above.. thank you! (don't question my principle on this- do as you wish)

going to Tina Turner "look alike" show this Saturday.. courtesy of my former boss. ini lagi satu hal.. couple of days back i saw the advert on this up coming show - but too broke to purchase tickets - so aimed to call the radio station ( they are running some contest and giving away free tickets)

anyhow - didn't get to call them - too busy la - and suddenly received a call from Mr M telling me that he bought some tickets to the show and i am invited :) - talk about rezeki kan - God is ever so mercifully and He listens to ALL your wishes - big or small :)

keep the faith and it shall be delivered :)

i'm in this place

2006-03-04T23:05:00.000+08:00

called Yogjakarta .in some hotel called Garuda Inn. not abad place. am just done with a cocktail and this lady is singing one of my favorite songs "Bengawan Solo" ... speaking of which we made a quick stop at the REAL Begawan river.... before making the trip here.

i almost didn't make it here..as usual changed my mind... and i am so grateful that i made it...

so far have covered:

Candi Cepo (Solo)
Grojogan Sewu ( a 1000-metre waterfall)
ride a horse ( a real one!)
went up to Tawangmangu ( a cool place - serene and peaceful)
Borobodur Candi

Will continue with the kraton and some shopping in these couple of days.. before we make a way back home

before i forget wne to do a whole lot of self-beautifying stuff - cream bath for the hair, haircut, manicure, reflexologi and hand-massage for a mere RM 47!!!! ( CAN U BEAT THAT!!!).. i spent more than 2 hours in the salon... and paid peanut for it :)

shall update with more pics when i get home

Last Saturday

2006-02-27T17:48:00.000+08:00

i finally told mom that i'm taking it off.. surprisingly she was quite cool about it... said that she accepts it but asked me to think rationally... i did.. for about 2 seconds :)

i'm sticking with the decision for the better...

first day at work was totally cool... colleagues flocked my little cubicle for at 15-minutes asking this and that.. and i'm just glad that they took it positively - alhamdullilah

ooo... and i had hot steamy sunday.....which left me smiling all through work!

My new obsession

2006-02-21T17:20:00.000+08:00

i've got a brand new hobby.. planting office-friendly type of greenery :)

supposed to bring luck.. but it was more for having a hobby.. something to brighten up my already messy cubicle :)

and surprisingly the pokok is growing .. dengan suburnya

and that frame that you see in the picture -in chinese caligraphy - and the word means "wealth" . Ghostwrite bought for me during her trip to Stanley Market HK
Note to Ghostwriter - I still hutang u i think.. can you PLEASE2 remind me if u balik.

things are very hectic at work. talked to RT about the transfer. she was very calmed and receptive. i am now struggling to restructure the team. handicapped by 1 person now, but good thing is the work load will go with her - so kurang la sikit for my team member

i just hope the other exec that i have can survive and buck up soon. am worried about her though.. perhaps too much work.. too much pressure.. she's falling sick.. and mentioned casually that she may need to go for surgery.. something involving her wrist... tangan kanan pulak tu

how la like this???

dear god have mercy on me.. i plan for big things.. and i know u'll see me through. keeping the faith

Baba

2006-02-18T11:22:00.000+08:00

had a lenghty conversation with Baba this morning. have not been doing that lately. our communication sort of reduced to only - Hi Ba! Bye Ba! - that's all

but this morning before coming to work ( yes - it's saturday and i'm here at the office) i decided to prepare a little breakfast for him and mama. sort of saying " sorry folks. i've been too busy with work. and still have to go on saturday.. let's have breakfast together" something like that.

Baba bukak cerita about the litigation suits that he's dealing with.. and i now have a better idea of what he's up against with.. not easy. and i can appreciate it better now.. why he is like that nowadays.. tak banyak nak cerita dengan orang. prefer to be in his soliditary.. playing with Imran. too many things going on his mind

we're talking multi--million dollar suits here. he's suing people and people suing him ....

i know he's determine to win - not for himself. it was or us. his worst fear ( i assume) is leaving us behind with nothing to fall back on to.. and honestly i dont think the family can survive with bare minimum... when we're used to having fine things in life

i've seen baba in his better days. where money was easy and we would splurge 1000 ringgit for Japanese dinner on weekly basis, having expensive watches slapped on our wrists to fat allowances for us.

now money is not so easy. not easy at all... tapi still a lot better than some people we know. we can still go for short trip here and there. go for shopping spree evey now and then... not bad at all. still surviving

cuma kadang2 i lupa to say 'Alhamdullilah' and be grateful for what we still have till today.

i wish Baba will get through this hardship.. and be able to leave his life peacefully soon

Wednesday already??

2006-02-15T17:21:00.000+08:00

things have been very hectic since my last entry. focusing on KPIs, events, planning etc... penat..

but.. things look better now. met the boss and had a relatively easy time explaining my goals and targets.. alhamdullilah - he was in a good mood today and crossing my fingers that he would take away 1 particular portfolio under my care and park it with some other manager. leaving me room to utilise my team members and time for something more specialised.

enough about work..

last saturday.. as planned a fren and i went to this place which i shall call DP - to buy the numbers.. and SURPRISE SURPRISE... N was there with S.! and we all end-up hanging out together at the C.... i have this thing against S and an evening with them sort of smoothen things out :).. tapi terbakar la jugak!!!

anyway.. have been buying numbers ever since and kena sikit2 la ... not bad for new comers.. hopefully i strike something soon - insya-allah... appropriate ker?? to say something like that :) only HE knows

also contemplating/aiming to move out of mom's place. looking for something closer to office..haven't discuss ( in depth) with them.. but i think mom will let me go..

for the better

and it's only Monday...

2006-02-13T17:32:00.000+08:00

it is not easy to hear from the man himself that i have not demonstrated the qualities to qualify me for managerial position.

i have been given the task to lead the team( with the same post, revised salary). that was about 10 months ago. a lot has happened since then..

but i must also admit that i have not exactly been performing.. not to his expectation and certainly not to mine! doubted myself too much and i have not been focusing on things that i should!- so sape yg salah tu :)

tapi...i am ever grateful that met N last week and he reminded me that the promotion is"wajib" for me.. now the only thing is keep on giving my very best .. and lebih dari tu only HE can help

About a Boy

2006-02-12T14:22:00.000+08:00

called imran. he's an agel most of the times .... but today at this moment of my posting - he was being such a BRAT..!!!! his mom went out with my mom, and leaving me behind to care for him... and it has got to be today that he throws tantrum!! and screamed on top of his lung..!! satu kampung can hear him

pics to reminde me of Imran that I soo adore

Do no Evil?

2006-02-10T15:44:00.000+08:00

hundred of people turned up at our office building to protest against Denmark over "the" caricature.ironically the Danish embassy is 4 floors down from ours

it was rather exciting i must say, looking down from 27th floor - we could hear them chanting. it was a paceful demonstration anyway. the crowd dispered after one hour of chanting the hate slogan - either the leader is saying that time is up, or because it started raining, or just like the rest of KLites, try to get out of the golden triangle ASAP to beat the jam :)

shuckkssss... !!!!!a fren captured some nice shots from our office and i intend to upload on the blog - tapi size besar sgt la pulak.

tak pe let me get her to resize and i'll try again

Finally...

2006-02-09T10:58:00.000+08:00

Alhamdullilah - i finally managed to sleep peacefully last nite. by the time i got home from "compulsory" dinner with people from UK- it was already 11 pm. chatted a bit with mom and peeked on Imran.

on mom's advise made my self a cup of milo. took a quick shower. and by 1145 i was in bed. sent couple of sms to some people wishin them good nite - and i was completely gone by 12 or so... only to wake up this morning at 7 am !! no dream, no waking up feeling lethargic in the middle of the nite. nothing, nada :)

tido tu 1 rahmat sebenarnye!

and today at work, i suddenly realised that there are SOOO many things which need to be settled like --- last week!!! argh!!!!!

malam ni "compulsory" dinner lagi .. hopefully i'd be able to get home early tonite. have not seen imran for 4 straight days now..

hope he still remembers me

2006-02-08T12:27:00.000+08:00

feeling like..

a zombie right now. have not been sleeping well for the past few days . only managed at (the most) 4 hours of sleep. even then , it wasn't restful enough. woke up several time last nite...

penatnye rasa... and my eyes felt soo heavy- dark circle tak payah cakap la..

i wish i could sleep well and no waking up in the middle of the night

2006-02-07T09:11:00.000+08:00

The Sign

Remember the song? from Ace of Base , very famous way back in '93 if (i'm not mistaken). this morning heard it over the radio and precisely in moments when a sign - ANY sign is much appreciated :)

especially the part -
" i saw the sign, it opened up my eyes i saw the sign
no one's gonna drag u out into the lights where u belong" ... something like that-lah

and as i was singing away i had this sponsoring thought of trying to play "tail number" ( no ekor :)! and i turned to my left as i was driving there it was - the sign! MAGNUM 4D

So apa lagi, sampai office trus surf the web - and it is interesting to know that it was easy to play - i checked a favourite number at it must have come up at least 9 times - scoring from special ( God knows what that is :) ) to First prize

hoping to get a fren to teach me how to go and buy

and i read 3 pages of book first thing in the morning :) quite an accomplishment i must say

2006-02-06T23:26:00.000+08:00

on a lighter note

i am not just about my internal battle - i can have fun too u know :)

anyway some pics taken during our family trip during CNY holidays - we went to the hot and sunny Cherating - it was simply beaoootiful..

that's my nephew - Ali Imran. he'll be two this may and hve not seen the father for almost a year now! good for him - malas nak cerita panjang

and how come my pics nie tak serupa orang lain???? tak pe esok2 when i'm a bit free will learn how to put up pics like the pro

but for the time being:-

PIC 1 - me belting my heart out to Eagle's - Love will keep us alive

PIC 2 - me meditating - cuba teka which one :)

PIC 3 - me and Ali membasah2 kan kaki

PIC 4 - the boy taking a walk - alone in this BIG BIG world

2006-02-06T22:55:00.000+08:00

the words i needed to hear

made a trip to see N this evening - went reluctantly and almost backed out at the last minute. thanks to a fren - i finally saw him for about 20 mins.

one thing i notice - everytime i went to see him, his mood changed from jovial to either bored or simply BORED. am i that boring of a person - perhaps... nothing much to say- not to him anyway..but tak kisah la.. janji i went back feeling much better

it is true when he said that there is no point of going against the current - i am after all the minority and not many people can understand the journey that i am going through right now - especially not my dearest ones...

how can i explain this new found belief, how do i explain to people that what they may perceived all this while as a true teachings - are nothing but mostly distorted teachings ( i could be sent to some kampung for re-islamination for saying this)

and i am not supposed to be telling others - that's not my duty- not now at least.

and he pointed out the obvious to me - what another person is doing may not be the thing for me. he has said this soo many times - that my personal experience is my own journey which are not meant to be shared with another

so i shall not dwell too much into this subject ..( i'll try :)

jadi sekarang...i should just go with the flow - so on his advise i shall not change my outer look so drastically.. not infront of my dearest ones --- at least

at the end - my journey towards HIM is my own.. so i shall talk the walk

2006-02-06T11:23:00.000+08:00

To take off.. or NOT to take off

a question that has been on my mind for the hundreth time ( this morning alone). if i were to go ahead, somebody will get hurt, if i don't do it , i'll get hurt - leading a double life.

i made a decision about 6 years ago - after i'm quite done with partying ( it happened on the eve of ramadhan) it was my first trip to the mosque for sembahyang terawikh - i looked up and asked my self - what more do i want - apart from drugs - i've tasted it all! and it dawned upon me that i would like to cover up - from tight- skirt - to tudung ( much to dad's objection)

now years later, after getting more spiritual rather than religious - i've been sneeking out without tudung - heck i even do man and started drinking again! ( though trying to cut down on the latter)

but the thoughts of telling the one that matters the most to me - send shivers thru my spine. i have yet to muster the courage.

what am i afraid of?

i am afraid of being accused Blasphemy
i am afraid that she'll accuse the master of blasphemy
i am afraid that she'll throw me out of the house
i am afraid that she'll make him throw me out of the house
i am afraid that i'll cause much embarassement to the family
i am simply afraid of how others will judge me

2005-10-26T13:31:00.000+08:00

now let see if this work. testing this new system has kept me up at 1.30 am this morning